Is It Wrong To Ask Where Someone Is From?
Unless you've been under a rock or are ignoring the news (which is understandable), you have probably heard about the incident at Buckingham Palace about one of the royal aides displaying racist actions towards a guest.
Google it, and you'll find the alleged transcript of the encounter. The royal aide was extremely desperate to know what part of Africa a guest was from. When you find the various articles, you'll also find many comments about whether or not the form of questioning displayed was racist.
So before I get into this piece and share my opinion, please consider that this is just the opinion of one black woman that has grown up and continues to live in a very Eurocentric environment. I do not and can never speak for a whole group of people. Oh, and I’m also not an anti-racist educator, I just share my personal and professional experiences.
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So to the question. Is it wrong to ask where someone is from? I think it depends on how this question is asked and what happens next in the conversation. I’ve been asked the question quite a few times and thinking about two separate occasions, with one I felt so small and embarrassed and angry after the interaction, and the second example, I didn’t even think twice about it.
Many years ago, I was asked the question and similar to the guest's experience at that recent royal event, the conversation didn’t move on when I said ‘Hertfordshire’. The person kept on asking and asking until I couldn’t reveal any more locations. Until I ended on the ‘brown country’ where my parents grew up. I was so shocked that I couldn’t give one of my witty, sarcastic responses. I just stupidly kept answering because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. And not once did they share any detail about their family history. They just wanted to make it clear that I was different to them. I was different to their norm. Unsurprisingly I didn’t feel particularly welcome.
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More recently I was asked, ‘Where am I from’ and it didn't make me uncomfortable in the slightest. Why? Because the other person listened to the answer, shared where they were from and then we continued to talk and laugh about our evening. Not once did I feel that I was being asked where I was from to fill some need to prove my heritage and my ‘right’ to be there. And not once did the person asking the question display the desire to subtly reinforce a structural system of hierarchy and racism.
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How the question is framed and followed up is what’s important. Continuing to push someone to recount the heritage of their parent, grandparents etc, is racist. Asking someone where they’re from and then continuing the discussion, sharing the conversation, that’s not racist. But asking ‘where do your people come from’ - do you think that sounds racist or anti-racist?
When asking someone ‘Where are they from’ you have to ask yourself why it's important for you to know? Why is your desire to know the heritage of someone more important to them feeling safe to communicate with you? Why is it important to remind others that they differ from you? If you see another person that looks and sounds like you, do you ask them where they come from? Do you keep asking them to recount their heritage until you get your desired answer? No? Why is that form of questioning reserved for black and brown people? Asking the question falls into the category of a microaggression I’m afraid.
And what is wrong with believing a person of colour when they describe how they feel? When numerous people of colour describe what is a micro-aggression (a racist action), why is it not possible to listen, apologise, agree to learn, not do it again and move on? Why are black and brown people having to constantly prove that racism exists, and then white people get to decide what is racist and what isn’t?
Believe me, after growing up in majority white spaces, I can tell you what is racist if you are ready to and happy to listen. We all need to understand that there are many levels of racist behaviour. It’s not just about shouting abuse in the street. Racist actions can be much more subtle, and in my opinion, these are the ones that hurt more.
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So what do you do when you meet someone with a different skin tone than yours and want to get to know them? Well, think about why you need to know about their heritage.
Now you know how uncomfortable asking where are you from can make people feel, don’t use it. Or if you have to ask, why not try ‘Where is home for you at the moment’? Listen to the given answer and don’t question it or press for further detail. Is this detail relevant to the situation? Are you using your need to prove that you have more of a right to be ’here’ at someone else's discomfort? Treat the conversation like a game of tennis. Ask a question, listen to the answer, and offer information about your life too. Show the other person that you are interested in more than just their colour. Bat the questions and answers between each other.
Don’t base your questioning around differences in skin tone. Find out what you have in common instead of what makes you different. And if a person that looks different to you states that they’re from Britain, they are from Britain!
