We Only Spoke About Racism Once and Our Friendship Didn’t Survive

I’ve reached a certain age where I understand the ebb and flow of friendships but I’ve always assumed that the solid, shared values I have between my close friends would get us through. So when a close friendship didn’t continue after the one and only conversation we’d ever had about racism, I was floored. 

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Let’s go back to the summer of 2020 when the world was trying to work out how to live through a global pandemic. Everything that we knew was being questioned. People were either working their socks off or working through their savings to stay afloat, and the word ‘unprecedented’ had never been said so often. 

Then the horrific murder of George Floyd was broadcast, swiftly followed by a tidal wave of shock from around the globe. Many stories of racist behaviour were publicly shared with people declaring their commitment to listen, learn and do better. Friends, acquaintances, neighbours and work colleagues declared their disgust and vowed to understand more about racism. People wanted to be a part of change - to do things differently. 

At the time, I had very open conversations about racism with friends and extended family, which had never happened before. Although I felt drained by conversations, the constant news feed and the reliving of my own experiences of racism, I was also grateful and hopeful that people wanted to do more, to do better.

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I thought this want to understand would also be the same for one of my very close friends. After all, we had spent many, many years of our friendship being open about our emotions and experiences, but we just never spoke about racism. Yes, even though this friend is white and I’m black, it never came up. We’d speak about our fears, our goals, our relationships with our partners, and family dynamics; it felt like we could discuss anything and everything. We both had that same approach of always wanting to learn and understand more about emotions and behaviour.

During the summer of 2020, when Black Lives Matter marches were happening all over the world, my friend said to me that they were in the ‘all lives matter camp’. I didn’t know what to say to this comment as it was the last thing I expected them to share. Someone who I thought was so culturally aware and accepting. Of course, all lives matter, but now in society, it was time to shine a spotlight on how black people have been treated differently. Like the MeToo movement, you don’t have to have experienced sexual assault to understand the cause, and you don’t need to have experienced racism to understand why it needs to be addressed and overcome.

As the conversation continued, I then asked my friend if they would publicly say anything if they were in the presence of someone being racist towards me. They said that they didn’t know if they could.

When I’m exposed to openly racist behaviour (which isn’t often), not challenging racism is actually supporting it. The racist gets to say what they want, and I’m left feeling like I’m the one being too sensitive or ‘making a big deal over nothing’. When I heard that my friend would choose silence or choose to keep the peace rather than support me, I checked out of the conversation. 

At the end of the conversation, I felt so hurt and sad. This was such a good friend and I had spent many years thinking we had the same values. I would defend my close friends any day of the week, which I thought would be the same value for their person, especially when it comes to racism.

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After this conversation, our interactions were limited. A few text messages have been exchanged, but nothing more, and it dwindled to nothing. Even though it’s been a while since we last spoke, I still question my decision to step away from the friendship. Was I wrong? Did I overreact?

And even though I’m grieving the loss of such a good friend, I can’t help wondering how the conversation would have played out if I was talking about mental health instead of racism. Would their response have been as dismissive?

What this experience has taught me is that the most liberal, well-meaning and spiritual people can still uphold racist views and actions, and they would be horrified to be thought of as so. Wanting to discuss and understand the experiences of those that have been discriminated against is not racist; it’s a step towards taking positive action, how you learn to be an ally, how you begin to understand and empathise. Not talking about race and ethnicity and pretending everything is fine continues to sweep problems under the carpet. How do we begin to understand what life is like for anyone if we’re unwilling to talk and learn about them?

And this is where I wished I had asked my friend why they didn’t want to talk about my experiences of racism, especially when they would be so keen to talk about other areas of my life, even my sex life. I can only assume that talking about racism would have made them uncomfortable. If that were the case, I’d love to know why it would make them uncomfortable. Is it because it’s easier not to think about something so upsetting? Is it because they wouldn't know what to say?

As the writer and activist James Baldwin said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist”.

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I think it's about talking about our experiences and understanding how ingrained racism has affected us both. Talking about racism is not about me being right because I’m black and someone else being wrong because they're white. We need to understand each other. Not being willing to discuss, understand and challenge racism ultimately makes it a problem for the people who are on the receiving end. It makes racism the issue that black and brown people must solve when in fact, it’s everyone's problem. We have to find a way to move forward.

I’ve also realised that part of having a close friendship is the ability to have those awkward conversations and navigate unknown areas. I don’t want this to seem like one of those stories that confirm the rhetoric that close friends can’t be close if they’re of different ethnicities, gender or social background. I don’t believe that. Just because our life experiences may differ, we can still be close, but only if we’re both willing to understand and empathise with the other person.

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I wish the outcome were different. I wish they wanted to support me, and I wish that I had the capacity to help them understand how I felt at the time.

Still, on reflection, I’ve had the opportunity to learn something new about myself. I have learnt how important it is to move towards difficult conversations in relationships. I want my friends to talk through emotions and experiences with me so that I can understand more. I never want to dismiss or demote the experiences of others, and I am comfortable with getting uncomfortable. I’m getting more comfortable with this approach as I get older!

I’ve also learnt how I want my friendships to grow and evolve. Give me friendships that are here for a long time, not just the good times.

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